As a parent, you’ve probably experienced the heartbreak of watching your child deal with disappointment. Maybe it was the tears after losing a game match, the disappointment of not making it onto the school play, or the sadness that came with a cancelled birthday party. In those moments, it’s normal to want to protect your child from pain, to make things better, and to make things right. But what if we told you that disappointment—though difficult—is a necessary and valuable part of your child’s emotional growth?
Teaching your kids how to handle setbacks in a healthy way is a vital skill that will serve them far into adulthood. Let’s explore your child’s development mentality, emotional intelligence, and resilience while also helping them deal with disappointment.
Building Grit: Helping Kids Push Through Setbacks
Learning to cope with disappointment doesn’t just build resilience, it also fosters grit. Psychologist Angela Duckworth describes grit as the mix of passion and perseverance that helps people keep going, even when things get hard. Grit combines perseverance and passion, helping children to keep going when faced with challenges and setbacks. Each disappointment is an opportunity to build not just resilience but also grit—teaching children to keep striving, even when things don’t go as planned.
1. Validate Their Feelings and Give Them Space
Despite how uncomfortable it may sound, don’t rush your child through an unpleasant situation. One of the most helpful steps in helping your child cope with disappointment is validating their emotions. Acknowledge that the situation doesn’t feel fair and that it feels awful. Avoid rushing them through the process or dismissing their feelings as ‘not a big deal.’ Disappointment hurts, regardless of whether it’s over a missed playdate or a significant loss.
- Acknowledge their emotions: Instead of saying, “It’s just a game, don’t be upset,” try, “I can see you’re really disappointed about this. It’s okay to feel that way.”
- Give them space to process: Let them express their frustration, sadness, or anger. Sometimes, they just need a listening ear.
- Model emotional regulation: Learning how to process unpleasant emotions is essential for dealing with disappointment. Children can learn that they can overcome difficult situations when parents demonstrate and teach self-calming techniques. A healthy outlet can sometimes help children process their feelings and think more logically about the upsetting experience and how to move on.
2. Empathise First
It’s tempting to jump in with solutions when your child is upset, but instead of trying to ‘fix’ things, focus on being present and understanding.
- Help them name their emotions: Encourage them to put their feelings into words, e.g., “I feel frustrated because I really wanted to win.” This builds emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
- Offer comfort, not just solutions: A hug, a reassuring smile, or simply sitting together can be more powerful than words.
3. Share Similar Experiences
Without overshadowing their feelings, gently share a time when you felt disappointed and how you coped with it. You need to be careful when we share our experiences. show them that you understand them since you have experienced similar things yourself. Don’t try to make their disappointment seem insignificant in comparison to yours. If you have gone through a similar situation, it can be helpful to help them to realise that they are not the only ones who experience disappointment. This can also establish a greater connection with them, an instance in which you had the same emotion.
4. Shift the Focus to Effort
Children often tie their self-worth to results—winning the game, getting the part in the play, or scoring the highest marks. Helping them see value in their effort rather than just achievements fosters resilience.
- Praise their perseverance: Instead of saying, “You should have won,” try, “I’m proud of how hard you practiced and the effort you put in.”
- Highlight personal growth: If they missed out on something, remind them of how they improved along the way.
- Teach them that setbacks are stepping stones: Reframe disappointment as a learning opportunity rather than a failure.
5. Teach Healthy Coping Strategies
Disappointment can feel overwhelming, especially for young children. Equipping them with coping strategies helps them manage these emotions constructively.
- Practice deep breathing: Encourage slow, deep breaths to help regulate emotions in the moment.
- Engage in calming activities: Drawing, journaling, or even a short walk can help process feelings.
- Encourage problem-solving: Ask, “What could we do differently next time?” to shift their mindset towards action.
6. Set Realistic Expectations and Encourage Flexibility
Helping children manage expectations can prevent extreme disappointment. Young kids often have an ‘all-or-nothing’ way of thinking—if something doesn’t go exactly as planned, they see it as a total failure.
- Use words like ‘might’ and ‘hope’ rather than guarantees: Instead of saying, “We’re going to the park tomorrow,” say, “We might go if the weather is nice.”
- Help them differentiate between what they can and cannot control: If a sports event is cancelled due to weather, explain that some things are beyond our control, but we can still make the best of the day.
- Introduce alternative plans: If one option falls through, have a ‘Plan B’ ready, reinforcing adaptability.
7. Encourage Delayed Gratification
In a world of instant gratification, teaching children patience and resilience is more important than ever.
- Create small challenges that require waiting: Baking together, gardening, or saving up for a special toy can all teach patience.
- Help them set long-term goals: Encourage them to work towards something over time, like improving a skill or completing a project.
- Model patience yourself: Show them how you handle waiting and setbacks in your own life.
8. Be a Guide, Not a Rescuer
While it’s natural to want to protect your child from disappointment, stepping in to fix every problem can hinder their growth. Instead, guide them towards their own solutions.
- Ask open-ended questions: Instead of giving answers, prompt them with, “What do you think you could do differently next time?”
- Encourage independence: Allow them to brainstorm ways to handle similar situations in the future.
- Support, but don’t overcompensate: If they didn’t get invited to a party, don’t immediately plan an extravagant alternative—help them process and move forward.
Final Thoughts
As difficult as it is to watch your child go through disappointment, remember that each experience helps them grow into a stronger, more resilient person. The goal isn’t to eliminate disappointment but to help them navigate it in a way that builds confidence, self-regulation, and a healthy perspective on life’s ups and downs.
By validating their emotions, fostering a growth mindset, and guiding rather than rescuing, you’re equipping them with skills that will benefit them well into adulthood.
Disappointment is a natural part of life—but with the right support, it can become a powerful tool for learning and flourishing.
At New Directions Psychology, we understand the challenges of parenting and emotional development. If your child is struggling with difficult emotions, our experienced psychologists can provide support tailored to their needs. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help.
